Category: LGBT Discussion
Hey, all.
What can I say? I have been questioning my sexuality for about six months - and though this may not seem a long time to you, it is for me because I'm young. For the first three, it terrified me; whenever I thought about kissing a girl I immediately shut down.
But I came out to myself last Thursday, to a gay friend on Friday, and to my best friend on Monday. There've been some issues, but what I'm most worried about is that it might be a phase. I don't WANT to come out to anyone else yet; coming out to friends is hard enough and I know the responses. Perhaps they'll say I'm looking for attention, or am just a silly little girl. I wish this confusion would be over, but I've got a long time to wait.
Another problem I've got is that my friends have... Issues of their own. I support them - I try - but I can't, not now, when I need support myself. I got to the crying stage on Monday, and I'm still fearful of the prejudice.
I hope you took the time to read this, and if you can, please give me... Some sort of advice. I'm... I'm just so, so confused, and it's already caused several arguments (that are now mostly resolved).
first and foremost, no one can tell you how to feel, or even how you should feel or think, by any particular age. you are who you are, and those who have a problem accepting you as such, don't deserve to be a huge part of your circle, anyway.
as someone who has struggled with this very thing, before, I can say that I'm here, if ever you'd like an ear.
When I was a teenager, I knew I liked other guys, but I thought maybe I'd outgrow the fascination. I also knew that it wasn't acceptable, and it wouldn't win me any popularity contests. My family are backwoods prejudice southern Baptists to the extreme, so I had no one that I could talk to about it. I had other teenage boys that I played with, but hell, they were just as confused and as torn as I was. I got caught in a gay situation and was suspended from school for a week, so yes, I know it can be very rough, and even rougher when you feel totally alone. That's one thing that the internet has tought us. We're not alone.
I'm not going to pretend that I can give you advice on sexuality, because
there are many people, like the two above this post, who are more qualified to
give you that advice. However, as someone who has dealt with a lot of
prejudice, and still does on a daily basis, I can give you advice on that. My
advice is to not let it control you. Don't question anything about your life simply
because others will judge you. Be who you want to be, and who you are
supposed to be for yourself. Don't let anyone else tell you what you should be,
or for how long you should be it. Don't give anyone that kind of control over
you. No one has that right.
That being said, its hard, its incredibly, unspeakably hard, and you're going to
want to give up sometimes. You're going to want to lie to yourself just to make
it end. You're going to cry sometimes because it hurts so badly and you want it
to stop. I understand, I do all of those things myself more frequently than most
people would ever imagine. So, if you need someone to vent to, a shoulder to
lean on, someone to talk it out with, anything at all, just message me. If you
want to add me on skipe, that's ok too. Let me know and I'll send you my user
name on there. I'm always available if you need help, and I'm sure others on
here will be also.
Congratulations for discovering a new facet of yourself. Explore it, get to know
it, enjoy it to the fullest. Its yours, and you should be proud of who you are.
great advice, Cody.
I'd like to add this: no matter how much people tell you not to question things, question them, anyway.
question them till you're blue in the face, so to speak, and then, come to your own conclusions about how you feel, what parts of what you've heard sound ill-informed, or otherwise nonsensical, and work on finding a comfort within your skin that's unbreakable.
critics are everywhere, but remember this. it's much harder to control, confuse, or break people that are truly comfortable in their skin, in at least most ways.
we're here for you, anytime you need us.
Hi,
When was young, I thought myself a lesbian and still remember how confused and strange it felt. I hid it for a few years, even going to the point of having my gay best friend say he and I were dating. What it all boils down to is when I did come out, it felt freeing. I still remember standing in my mom's livingroom and actually feeling so happy, as she was screaming for me to... Be yourself. Don't let anyone tell you what is right or not. Even though that lifestyle is not for me, I realized that being me with all my little quirks is so much more awesome then hiding somewhere because of what I think people might say or feel about my choices.
Thank you everyone, and thank you so much. I needed this support, because right now my self-confidence is low. I know it's going to be hard, and the confusion has already shown on my face to my friends that don't know. But thank you everyone; I really apreciate it because it's nice to know I've got support.
Can't say anything beyond what has been said.
But, and this has nothing to do with age, do give yourself time. You said you haven't figured it all out yet? Allow yourself the freedom to figure it out. I don't know, is as equally a valid response to yourself as any.
Also, if you do come out to peple, it's your choice to whom you come out. Not all are as brazen as Chelsea or others who come out to everyone. That's one way to do it, and that's also fine. But you know how much you can take, and my only advice, don't give yourself as much trouble as you can take.
I don't have questions about sexuality, but I've had my own personal crisis I'm just coming through. I'm not young, but to those of us in midlife? They just say "Aw, you're just having a midlife crisis." Same difference. Insults your intelligence though, doesn't it?
You're human, confusion and sorting things out is inherent in who we are.
I will caution you this though: Please, whatever you do, make sure to tell your friends and those you come out to, that outing yourself is your prerogative. We atheists with families and children and jobs make similar pacts with each other. It's important you do, too. Even if you really trust the person you're outing yourself to, outing yourself is your prerogative, not mine, not your neightbor's, not anybody's.
That part is really really important. And, for gay and bisexual people, and for atheists in conservative states, it saves lives. I'm not kidding about this. It's hard, because you're being vulnerable when you're coming out. But at that instant you must be strong and brave, and declare that the person you're coming out to must not ever out you to someone else.
Actually these days, if some gay person, or bisexual, or atheist, or polyamorous person, or whatever, outs themselves to me, I'm clear with them about the fact I'll never out them to anyone. It's not a secret: it's a safety concern.
You want your outing yourself to be beautiful it it can be, with people who can be supportive and affirming. And, you want it to be safe. Some people might accidentally be so excited for you that they'll tell similar people, who don't turn out to be quite as open as you are.
Anyway, I shouldn't be soap boxing here, it's not really my place. But, if you can, out yourself on the Internet to people you've gotten to know. Out yourself to people who will be affirming and supportive first. It's really hard, even in mid life, to out oneself as something socially deviant like gay, polyamorous, atheist, heathen, whatever. We say it's because of family responsibilities, relationships, etc. But I find it's doubly so for younger peple. People still somewhat dependent on the parents for support, emotionally if not physically and economically. The way to confidence with this, is to do things that affirm what you are now first.
I can't recommend Meetup.com enough. These are public spaces where people of different interests and commonalities meet up, sort of anonymously, and again, in a public and safe place like a coffeeshop or a pub.
I personally apologize for something that people my own age group do. This isn't something either Cody or Chelsea or Changedheart has done, it's us. We are the ones who claim things are just a phase. It's a way of explaining things that we feel bad about, or that we feel responsible for having done.
And, I've been that guy, as a dad. My daughter tends towards the faith of her Mother. I used to call some things related to it a phase. I even said in frustration with some teenage aspects of the faith thing, "You're you're young and idealistic. But wait a little while, you'll grow up to be a skeptic just like your old man." In so doing, I made her upset and cry. That only served to divide us.
And so, as one of that parent generation peple, I do apologize from us to you for that, as heartfelt as when I apologized to her for having said that. In its own way, it's a selfish act that we do to prop up our own insecurities. At the time I said that to my daughter, I was still closeted as an atheist, still unsure of a lot of things, painfully aware of my own cognitive dissonance. But although that is an explanation for why some of us parent age people do that, it's not an excuse.
If you are younger, it might help to come out to someone older, but only someone older and sympathetic, who can be there to help you with the situation as it is.
Anyway I'm not here to tell you what to do. Just a bit of rambling advice from your friendly neighborhood apostate.
Thank you, Leo. I'm glad you've been honest, because this has made me feel better.
Someone has... Already told about my bisexuality to someone else (who was a Christian but one of my best friends) and I was understandably upset. My parents think it's quite a phase, but...
this may sound harsh, but the reality is, people will out you, or otherwise give you flak, like it or not. that's something we all go through, to varying degrees.
case in point: I've been very outspoken about being open to dating multiple people at once. however, life circumstances have lead me to decide that that path isn't for me, but I'm no less supportive of those who feel differently, just cause my personal views have changed.
It may well be a faze, but enjoy it anyway.
I really don't know about this sort of thing, because I've always had a diverse upbringing, so anything I wanted to do or be, I simply was.
As some have told you, you tell some people on a need to know bases, and others you don't. That is the way I am.
Good luck.
We can count on you to be harsh, Chelsea. Your brand of harshness has never saved a life. Practicing safer practices about outing oneself has done so, as anyone with even a minute search on the Internet will find out.
I know it's fun for you to be this way. It makes you feel important and different. But again, safer practices can mean life and death for some people in some areas. And it's very reasonable for one to ask, and to be careful to whom one comes out.
Hipsters and their idealistic tendencies ...
Lord knows I'll not criticize you, nor advise you: as this is way out of my league.
Here are some quotes I found that may give you some solis.
"“I was born of heterosexual parents. I was taught by heterosexual teachers in a fiercely heterosexual society. Television ads and newspaper ads [were] fiercely heterosexual. A society that puts down homosexuality. And why am I a homosexual if I’m affected by role models? I should have been a heterosexual. And no offense meant, but if teachers are going to affect you as role models, there’d be a lot of nuns running around the streets today.”
---Harvey Milk
"Stonewall wasn’t really the beginning [of the LGBT rights movement], but it was a wonderful rebellion. Until then, people who wanted to march and protest did it very carefully in proper suits and ties, and the women dressed in dresses. You were asked to leave if you hadn’t come dressed properly. But, they existed. And they cared.”
---Edie Windsor, who won her case against DOMA one year ago yesterday
Rick Santorum still has a Google problem. And he always will. Because Santorum's problem ultimately isn't Google, or me, or my readers, or Frothy Mix. Rick Santorum's problem is Rick Santorum.
---Dan Savage
“Gay people are born into, and belong to, every society in the world. They are all ages, all races, all faiths. They are doctors and teachers, farmers and bankers, soldiers and athletes. And whether we know it or whether we acknowledge it, they are our family, our friends, and our neighbors. Being gay is not a Western invention. It is a human reality."
---Hillary Rodham Clinton"
I'm going to have to side with Leo here. Be very picky about who you come
out to, but don't feel the need to come out at all. It isn't something you have to
talk about. Its your own life, and you can share it with as few or as many as you
want to.
That's most likely what I'll do - it's what I HAVE been doing - but some people just pressure me cause they know something is wrong, and it makes me feel guilty. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it.
Look, here is the thing, whether you are gay or straight, the values you have always had are the same. You are still the same person you always were. I mean to say if you have a good sense of humor or are loyal or smart or good at something, that doesn't change at all whether you choose to be with a guy or a girl.
Your true friends will recognize that and continue to love you for all of your qualities. Be honest with yourself above all because you can't expect others to accept you if you can't accept yourself. And, once you do, embracing your good points, recognizing your bad ones(we all have them both) and discarding the worry of things that don't matter, then you will be truly free and happy. That will make you whole.
I know. That's the point I've been trying to get across to my friends who don't quite understand - mainly because they're too busy sorting out their own problems. Sounds awful, but I like to offer support to them but can't, because I need it myself.
since some people seem to think I'm advocating that everyone should think the way I do, I'll clarify that that's far from true.
all I'm saying, is that we can only control what we do, not how others choose to act.
in saying that people will blab other people's business, I'm not saying it's right, or even that I like it being done. in fact, I can't stand it, but I know that not everyone will keep things to themselves, especially when it's easier to judge, put down, or otherwise hurt someone in a tough situation.
to add to my last post, I agree with others who have said that it's wise to be careful who you come out to.
it's an ugly world out there, and if you aren't sure how people will react, especially given that this is uncharted territory for you, the best thing to do, is to put the focus on realizing within yourself that as long as you love who you are, the rest will fall into place, as well.
there will always be critics, as I've said, but there will always be supportive people, too, even if only from afar.
All I can say is I wish I’d been able to come out at fourteen or fifteen. I didn’t. I couldn’t because I couldn’t afford to at the time. There was simply still too much homophobia in and around my community, my friends and my family in 1979 and 1980. I could’ve lost everything, or at least that’s my perception. Is perception reality? Maybe, maybe not. Oddly enough, though, I’m more open now than I’ve ever been now that I’ve started my life over. That’s one of the things about this time in which we now live that I do like. In any case, I would say that whatever you are, enjoy yourself and don’t waste time. Sure, as others have said, be selective about the people you come out to, if you think you need to be. Use your judgment, which will undoubtedly improve with time. And remember that some people whom you may not believe will be accepting will be surprisingly so. I suspect that at the end of his life, my father knew. I never told him, but I didn’t want to put my thing onto a sick old man nearing the end of his life. But the reason I suspect he knew is that I have a friend with whom I talk regularly, and we did want to get together. My father sometimes talked with him on the phone, and for whatever reason he kinda liked the guy, asking me at one point: “How’s your guy?” Just out of the blue. But there are others about whom I’m gunna be very circumspect. I know their beliefs and I know how they are, so they don’t get told.
Also, there may be times when you may feel you do have to fight. Ignorance about GLBT people is still very pervasive, and you may need, for your own sake, to confront that ignorance. There was a sight I was on just before I left Minneapolis in which there was a huge debate about gay marriage. There was a guy there who quoted the bible constantly, saying how disgusting we were, and that we should never, not ever, be granted the right to marry. I believe I made a pretty eloquent argument for my position, and in the end I outed myself as someone coming out of a straight marriage that really ended up hurting someone he was supposed to love. I think the most vitriolic of the opponents with whom I was arguing eventually left the show because he simply refused to answer the questions that I posed. But I needed to fight, for my own conscience and for the times when I did not. So, yes, be picky about coming out to people, but do remember that there may be times when you might feel there’s no other alternative for you than to come out. I can’t say when that might be for you; no one of us here can except to say that you’ll know the time when you see it, and if you are mistaken, only experience can teach you.
I seriously can't thank you guys enough - John, that was really inspiring. But I don't know why I seem to hide myself.
Okay, so I'm from the dark ages and ask dumb questions, but why do you have to come out to anyone you don't want to, unless you are going to get married or something like that? Then your actions will speak for themselves.
Bob
Bob
I'd agree with that. I mean, it isn't like I go about making sure people know I like fish.
Yes, I know, this is way bigger, but why does it matter that people know?
If you aren't romantically interested in them, or something, seems to me they could learn when or if the learn by whatever means makes that happen.
Other wise, you've not all of a sudden grown horns, so need to explain them.
Believe it or not, I'm mostly in accord with this view. I don't trumpet to everyone everywhere that I'm gay. I'm more open, however, because I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever been before. Where I get impatient with people is when someone says: "Why do you have to tell everyone you're gay? I don't tell everyone I'm straight." No, but you don't do that because everyone already has the automatic assumption that everyone is or should be straight. 90 percent of the world is straight, after all, so it's the "norm." At this point in our history, evolution, whatever you wanna call it, we feel we have to come out and be more vocal because for so long we've been discouraged to be ourselves, much less be open and honest with people. Look at what still goes on in Uganda, where there was an actual bill being debated and, I believe, passed, that criminalizes homosexuality. And if memory serves, the death penalty just for being gay in Uganda was definitely on the table. And if memory serves further, that movement in Uganda was started by American Christofascists. So, you wonder why we feel the need to come out or sometimes be very vocal about ourselves? Maybe more so than we arguably should? It's because many of us are tired and pissed off. Lesbians still get raped. Gay men still get harassed, raped and killed. Sure, more and more states are gunna legalize our unions, but we've got a long way to go even now. Gay teens have one of the highest suicide rates in the country, if not the world. Why? Because there's still a closet for far too many of us to feel the need to hide in. Like a friend of mine once said, someday we have to evolve to the point where there isn't even a closet to come out of. And that's not yet, is it?
Agreed, John - but also, it feels like my obligation. I'm not exactly going to stand in the middle of the street and scream "I'M BI!" incessantly, but to friends? I don't know, I just feel horribly guilty for hiding something I shouldn't HAVE to hide.
I'm in agreement with Wayne, here. I guess an important question to ask yourself would be, "what am I really gaining from coming out to everyone?"
I used to think that was important, in many ways, but not so much, anymore.
So a major part of being human is the need for community. A second major aspect to being human is the need for affirmation.
This is also true of other primates. 'Coming out' is one way to find others that sympathize, and others that will affirm where you're coming from.
The individualists like Chelsea who frequently deny human evolution and claim it is all in the individual self, are biologically wrong, wrong in terms of evolutionary psychology also. It simply doesn't bear out in reality.
You do need to come out, but in a safe space. A space where people will affirm you for who you are, the journey you're on, and the questions you may or may not have answered.
Even the most hardened or 'harsh' individualists cannot fight this. It's as inherent a biological need as sex, love, someone to talk to, time in the sun, and so on.
The Christofacists that Johndy mentioned? They know this, even if they also deny evolution, and part of the torture they inflict is telling the person to stay hidden. Like it or not, your biology is that of a social ape.
I've gotten the same question about coming out atheist. Well, the whole world in America is Christian, or at least Christian-centric, and next to that you have Wiccans and other theists of various sorts. So freethinkers / atheists / humanists have to create our own spaces to meet together and have community and share common experiences.
Even bisexuals, when I was a young person, were not accepted among the gays. Humans are tribal, we form in groups. So to tell a single solitary human that they can't have a group, that is inhumane and supplants their base biological characteristics.
I was genuinely horrified by some of the reactions to bisexuality from gay people and straight people alike. "Greedy"? No. "attention-seeking"? May be for some people, but not me. Even the most judged or persecuted among us still persecute others.
If I decided to "come out" I'd join a club.
I'd go to a gay bar, or church, or some type of community if I needed the human okay.
But, I'd not be worried about my family/friends.
Especially if I knew how they'd react.
I don't agree that coming out alone makes a statement, or helps the gay community at large, so that people know we are here, so to speak.
I'll bet this type of coming out, is why gay men rates of sucide is high. They take what I call the rough side of the mountain.
I'd feel like I had protection and understanding in a group, but making people accept me is difficult, and if I were not confident, I'd simply not tell them.
It's generally the approach I take. When you have vested interests that you want to protect, the way I did when I was in my teens, or if you're feeling vulnerable, you might wanna be more circumspect about whom you come out to and when. I don't believe people should be forced to come out if they don't want to. It does the gay community no real good to force the issue, and might actually do some harm in some cases. But we all use our judgments, and we all must be granted the liberty to use that judgment.